Leisa's case helps me understand some of the social factors that impinge upon human behaviours. I see some negative implications of suppressed and excessively controlled childhood and adolescence, where the person continues to carry even to the advanced stages of life the baggage of what he/she either received in abundance or was denied during the developmental growth years.
Leisa, my
sentimental friend, to whom I had dedicated a blog post (Yearning for a
Friend), is remorseful again for past few months. This time, it is not just her
craving for a friend to get out of the trap of loneliness, but a feeling of
emotional void ensuing from the retrospection of her love relationship. To be
precise, less time and attention from her beloved. And for her, this is a grave
concern, which may not at all be an issue by itself, for you and me.
I have been with Leisa for years now, and I have literally lived her experiences through her narratives. I am a witness to their love relation when in psychological terms, it was at the ‘Enchantment stage’ or ‘Romantic stage’, and now, when it has advanced to the subsequent level of ‘Power struggle’ or ‘Growth struggle’[1].
Picture courtesy-tripadvisor.in
I have been with Leisa for years now, and I have literally lived her experiences through her narratives. I am a witness to their love relation when in psychological terms, it was at the ‘Enchantment stage’ or ‘Romantic stage’, and now, when it has advanced to the subsequent level of ‘Power struggle’ or ‘Growth struggle’[1].
The latter phase
by itself, is a stressful phase, because in a committed relationship, one of the
couple becomes unresponsive, impatient and authoritative, according to Brainerd.
Leisa and her beloved share these traits at this instance. While Leisa has
become demanding for his time and attention, which was once demanded of her,
he has become almost silent, introvert, unresponsive, but continually
dutiful and responsible towards her. This has made her grievously complaining.
Now that
suddenly this romantic phase is advancing to growth phase, perceived
as normal by rationalists and psychologists like Dr. Brainerd, and even by our near and dear ones who have crossed this stage or have adjusted to it, she is struggling each day to
come to terms with just another stage in a committed relationship. No doubt, the enchantment
stage lasted for a very long time for Leisa, and being a sentimental girl, for
her it was like a dream she was living in a pampered world shaped by her
beloved. It is now getting difficult for
him to satiate her expectations and reach the bar he himself set for this
relationship. And we, her well wishers are at loggerheads to make her
understand that forms of expression of love and proximity will change with time, for sure. Yet, she is stuck in her memories of past...or recent past, as she
puts it, when both spent lot of time together, enjoyed each other’s company and
attention.
There is something that perennially disturbs her. It is the
realisation that these changes have come in a backdrop where they have had most serious and intense arguments over issues erupting
from their interfaith alliance, in the past few months. So, no matter
how normal we perceive this situation to be, I see some unresolved issues
at the bottom of abrupt withdrawal of her lover, that 'could be' an unconscious move also. Nevertheless, she is grappling with it, trying
to make the sense of this "normal" way of life.
Now, coming out
of the psychology of love relationships, and forgetting logic for a while, I
would like to borrow her shoes for some time and then feel her situation, but
not necessarily justify her stupidity and thoughts. As mentioned in my previous write up, her
personality is truly a by-product of her circumstances. Having been a child
with relatively disturbed childhood, literal social alienation combined with
friendlessness, low self esteem backed with inferiority complex, most of her happiness
during the adolescent phase was self generated through a romanticised world of
love and aspirations. However, all this didn’t creep into one area thankfully, which was her
determination to get best educated to overcome all social odds.
She was born in
a family which still to much extent has conservative thoughts on ‘friendships’.
Her family precepts never allowed her to make friends, in facts, even her
brothers were instructed to keep their friendships out of the house. Her
companion for childhood and adolescence was just her school books and home, and no one to confide in. Not
that her parents’ concerns were ill-founded considering safety issues in Delhi,
but they were just extremely worried and this suffocated her. While she progressed well on the academic front, she was continually lacking on the personal and social front. She was so fed up
that she once took courage of writing a secret note to her father, using the
metaphor of a caged bird to describe her situation. It was only then that her parents realised her need for companion as a social being, but nothing much changed after that confrontation, and her expression was somewhat misinterpreted. So much protection and restrictive environment helped her or not, I can’t comment, but I do see negative
repercussions in her now. Such a background made her what she is complained of
being today, cranky and demanding, and her family isn't aware of this side of their daughter. For them, she is a most responsible and 'good' daughter.
It is in this
context, that I try to understand her behaviour, feelings of possessives for her
love, and fear of losing him or becoming secondary for him. She has become
demanding of him, craves for the same attention and love that was
being showered on her unconditionally and undemandingly before. Growing responsibilities with escalating job
profile and some inarticulated undercurrents have made him super
busy, and amid this, she cannot adjust to the notion of him giving her less
quality time. Somewhere, I do feel numbness and coldness creeping in their relationship. This stage normally comes after marriage, but she is undergoing
this before that.
I feel empathetic
towards her, but at the same time, also acknowledge the patience of the man she
loves, though at some moments she has made him lose his cool ;), and she feels
guilty for making a fun loving man so damn serious. I also am aware of the fact
that she will take time you adjust to this growth phase, and love and patience
alone would enable her to succeed. I’ve often heard that no amount of love is
ever enough, and it will never be enough for her, but she needs to grasp the
reality.
Now, Leisa has given herself few options. She feels she should seek refuge in her work, and
keep herself busy with other stuff she likes doing, to keep her mind off the memories
of their togetherness all the time. I too feel that she should be in charge of her overflowing emotions. She should
perhaps start viewing this relationship though a matured perspective, and let it
unfold itself with time. And as the saying goes, there’s light at the end of
every tunnel, Leisa should live in hope, and I’m sure, with her firm faith in
God, things will fall in place, sooner or later.
My advice to her
and wish could communicate this to her beloved also, is that both should try to
forgive and forget the past happenings and start afresh. After all, in a relationship
like theirs, it is important that both mutually wish and work to make
the beautiful relationship last, if they love each other. They should start a new
life together, and understand each other. For Leisa alone, I’ve advised her to not let the feeling of loneliness and inertia dominate her existence. It’s
yet another temptation, I believe, which she should consciously avoid. She
should expand her circle and reach out to people, rather than burden one
person with the sole responsibility of keeping her happy. She should also lower her bar of expectations from anyone, in general. I am sure she is
working on this advice, and someday soon, we will get to see a stronger and
courageous Leisa, in a healthier relationship.
Would you like
to advice her on this?
Picture courtesy-tripadvisor.in
[1] As described by Dr.
Gary Brainerd (PhD PhD, Licensed Psychologist and Marriage and Family Therapist
in California)
