Whose gain and whose loss?

I was young, a blossoming bud

Carefree and flamboyant, at the zenith of my youth

Free spirited in my own sense.

This was as usual against the expected norm

Raised in a traditional faith family

My way of being was perceived wrong.   

I was too outgoing to be tied to anyone

This was fear enough for them to hook me up

Tie me to him in a lifelong wedlock;

I was young and my wings were crushed

Wings with which I wanted to fly 

A life, little messy, but mine.

It resulted in a deadlock

I was never made for it

Not sure how much of their fears were addressed;

But I was destined for a challenge ahead

I now jostle my way through

Living compromised and restless each day.

At the cost of my parents

To be a good daughter, 

I sacrificed my freedom to dispel their fears

And now not just me, but we all suffer-

those who brought me in this 'World', my child and he,

Don't know for whose fault exactly.

Baffled and struggling to reclaim my buried self 

I wonder whose gain and whose loss it is

whoever gained or whoever lost

A lost sense of me, remains inside me 

Standing at the crossroads of life

just in case I am able to find myself.

July 29, 2016

The difference between Him & Me

What makes him desirable and approving:

His ability to take strong decisions

His ability to acquire and remain in power

His ability to rule & lead others

His ability to have a mind and thoughts of his own

His ability to articulate his opinions and disapproval

His ability to take stands for what he believes is right

His ability to be stern & loud

His ability to charm others with the sweetness

His ability to act as he desires

The inherent power that comes by virtue of being a man

His freedom to assert himself

His ability to not conform to the stated or desired

His ability to voice out disappointment

His ability to mobilise supporters & well wishers

His ability to be what he is, inhibiting or welcoming in nature

And one can go on and on..

But what makes Me a speck of their eyes and subject of disapproval and contention, unfortunately, the same abilities and sometimes more of them, by the most liberal of men. What is machismo for him is an intolerable and unreasonable behaviour of me.

By: Lee Macqueen | 2 October 2014

Faith-Hope-Love: the biggest of these, is Love

Leisa is in in love, yes, she is! It delights me to see her bloom in her newly found love, all vibrant and energised. I met her very recently, and got a chance to have a heart to heart conversation. I thought it to apt to put our conversation here into a blog piece because her thoughts touched me and will resound in others too. For the ease of my readers and myself, I am adopting the first person narrative. Read, Think and be Renewed :).

No matter how much I will and remind myself of living in the Here and Now, the fear and anxieties related to the past experience makes me weak, sometimes. I have always been told by the elders around and something I've come to live with, the belief that only what is “God willed" happens,eventually, regardless of what human beings think and want to happen.  

This belief makes me keep my expectations as low as possible, and urges me to live a day at a time by gathering up all that comes my way, good or not so good, without investing much in futuristic planning. But, I am a person with dreams, desires, ambitions, thoughts, likes and dislikes, emotions, love (above all) and all that a life entails. This belief has often torn me from inside, because it tells me not to be controlled by any of these because it is not what I think will happen but what the supreme power wants, what is already destined. All religions preach that I believe.

This belief has made me submit to uncertainties and disappointments without questioning the failures but believing that it has happened for good which I will understand not immediately. Ironically, so has this worked out well for me and I'm happy with where I am, what I am, and what I have, today. This contentedness is also because I have found Love again in my life. But, I fear what if that I have now is taken away from me? What if this love, which completes me today in the form of a companion’s love, is pulled out some day for whatever reason? 

Then comes a flurry of questions to my mind which I ask of Him- why is it that you send me love and take it away? Why you put me through all this pain when I had learned to adapt to the loneliness (even if I prayed for loving companion)? Why is it that you fill me with renewed hopes and resurrect my desires, and then take away the means of fulfilling them? Did I ask you for things to happen in any particular way that you should let the best happen to me and then deprive me of it? Such questions are many that I pose to Him (all due to a different bonding I share with Him that I take liberty to question him and express my anguish and disappointments, since the religion doesn't allow this, otherwise). 

I have welcomed love with warmth and arms wide open again, but this latent fear of me again being alone takes away my peace. While this fear humbles me down, it also takes away the confidence in me about people being capable to accomplish what they want to with sheer determination (and God’s love). 

To people who know well about my faith in God’s omnipresent love for me, might think as to why I exhibit such insipid views about the Him. Forget about others, this thought pricked me while thinking all this but another thought tactfully countered the former. A voice told me that my Beloved isn't that weak and barbaric as He has been projected and preached to be, to be displeased and “punish” me from expressing my thoughts freely about the dilemma I live with. After all, I’m human. 

I want to tell Him that I am very content and happy with my work and family life, and only that I wish to settle down with my companion some time soon. Moreover, it is He who sent him to me during the Lenten season of 2014. I know He is capable of fixing things to best suit us, and so, He should make do best for us with what we have (each other) with us right now. It is difficult to recuperate from the loss and pain associated with broken relationships and even more weakening to find love re-enter into one's life to exit yet again. It pain when after years couple discover they were not compatible and either of them leave. There are various reasons for people to separate and sadly not enough to live together and fix the issues (while some cases genuinely require people to separate and very rightly so). 

Having said all this, there are also some verses in the Bible that give me courage to proceed with what I want to (of course with the clear intention) knowing that God is with me. Jesus taught me that what I ask in faith I should believe I have been granted. And I’ve read that when people concede to something here on the earth, it is conceded to up in the heaven also and God fulfills it.  Why is it that the scriptures interpreted in this manner are attacked to be misinterpreted for selfish gains, while those interpretations enabling and maintaining division of the people and society are received justly? Anyways!

I have embarked on a new journey to rediscover and explore the path of Love with my companion. I remind myself that I won't let anything have authority over me to shatter me at its failure. To my surprise, I am realising the futility of logic when juxtaposed with matters of heart. It is the heart that refuses to be consoled by the reasoning and logic. It wants what is loves, and the thought of it being taken away from it does make it break. Given all the mature thinking, fears lodged deep inside surface sometimes.

However, all said and done, I have just "Here and Now", this present moment in which I can do whatever I want to, without giving into the fears and anxieties. I want to share my love and life with my beloved. I wish for love to stay longer with me. I can only hope that it stays and grows profound with time. I acknowledge the deep seated fears but would not surrender to them. All in hope.

Reflections...Lent 2014

©      I was asked by you, why I agreed to everything that you said. That moment, I realized that many a times there was no “Right” or “Wrong” per se. It was only one’s personal experience and perspective that shaped a thought or an opinion. However simple this realization may seem, I learned it only now. So, many unnecessary conflicts could be avoided only if there was tolerance and willingness to get into the “other person’s shoe” to understand what they meant and why.

©      I am reminded and learning to honour and live in my ‘Here’ and ‘Now’, which is all that I have with me. A well lived Here and Now will automatically take care of my past and the future.

©      I learned of the purpose of my life (at least partially) when I started connecting and relating with people around me, which I never did before I lost a dear one. I learned there were people who endured so much more suffering than I, even cumulatively underwent ever, and needed love and affection to help them speak out and heal. I saw that, many people, particularly in the age bracket of 25-35 years, were somewhere broken down within and had therefore, either shut the doors on love or had taken to a road, which will eventually, lead to depression and loneliness.

©      Whenever overcome by loneliness, I have touched the lowest plain one can, feeling helpless. But, I thank God, who has always been there to bend down to lend me his hands to hold them and rise again to the zenith that awaits me each day. Surprisingly, when I stand up again, I find the entire horizon so bright and fresh as if created anew only for me.

©      Complications are a part and parcel of life, and thus, inevitable. So why should I waste my days getting worked up about things that haven’t even happened, merely on the basis of their probability to happen and not happen?

©      I want to have a soul of a zealot and an evangelist to do all that I want and need to do.

©      I am acutely aware of my fallibility and hence, also the fact that, even when I lose control of myself, someone still is in perfect control of me, always! So, I can afford to go off the tangent sometimes ;-)

©      Today, I made a very (self surprisingly) unusual decision, and quite painfully too, but I had to do it perhaps for us to be able to embark on our individual journeys. It’s just like the mother bird pushing the baby bird off the protective nest to enable it to fly. Hard but that’s how we will also learn to fly freely.

©      I don’t know how long you’d want to share my life with me, but the uncertainty is in everything for that matter. So, I want to live my present with you, to create memories of a new journey together, however far we may be able to traverse is immaterial (painfully), but at least, we’d still have shared each other and learned new lessons from our mutual experiences. I wish to make this journey memorable for both of us, leaving the worry about destination to the time.

©      I can’t let Fear scare me out…no way! I will give it a tough competition and surely defeat it. It can’t weaken my spirit to take risks in life, even if I would ultimately be exposed to disappointment, failures and heartbreaks. 

Partner for Life

Turn over the leaf of Life’s book

And there will you find me live

I bet and dare you flip it through

And there will you relive the truth.

Strive removing the dust off this book

The misty cover that grew pale with times without you,

You will discover me there,

Waiting for you to lay me bare.

I live and grow in you, conscious of what you do,

I long back assumed a stable place in you,

No matter what your wishes be, I’m still in control of you,

Sometimes weak but often strong, I am, still possessing you!

I am a part of everything in you,

Big or small, witty or naive

I exist in your emotions, in your likes and dislikes,

I am a partner never willing to part.

I challenge you’ll never leave your Self

Neither will you be able to deceive me ever

I will by no means depart from your existence

Ah, take my word, I'll never forsake you, my dear!

I'll be by your side when you lie down next to the other

I'll be by your bosom, when you advance to make love

I’ll occupy your thoughts when you will rest

I'll be all over, the moment you look to escape.

Promising you respite the moment I’m let loose

The day I’m spared the false human pride

Bringing you release and pain, both my love

Yet, liberating you of the twinge you feel deep inside.

I am your Past, a story often untold

Concealed but decked up, away from the human race.

The world is nasty, mean and judging everyone like you and me

But I’m a partner for life, indispensible and agile.

Poetry by Me, August 10, 2013

The New in Me

New is my sun, new is my moon

New is the world I'm entering soon

New is the sky with seasons change

New are the thoughts in me today.

New are the wishes and my dreams

New is the madness I feel in me

New are the desires of this heart

New urges take over it each night.

New vision marrying new horizon

New are the nascent aspirations

New are the paths and new milestones

For this newly found longing soul.

                                                           

New are the challenges ahead of me

Of the new life burning in me

Amid restlessness and insecurities

A voice resounds and rekindles me...

Pushing to keep moving on

Unhindered and unrestrained

Intimate, cozy and uninhibited

To live out all of that was so far self denied.

Poetry by Me, August 3, 2013

Etched in my memory is this Peace Activist

This article is dedicated to Dr. Asghar Ali Engineer, “The man of God”, a theologian, secularism and communal harmony activist, R.L. Laureate (Alternative Nobel Prize) and Pioneer of the Centre for Study of Society and Secularism, who breathed his last on 14 May 2013.

Man Made Disasters and Religious Minorities was the topic for his session, on 14 December 2011, in Delhi, when he was invited as a guest speaker to the consultation on, 'Addressing Caste Based Discrimination in humanitarian Response', organized by the National Campaign on Dalit Human Rights.  I coordinated his participation from Geneva and during the course of coordination, in an initial email; I addressed him as “Mr”. A.A. Engineer, instead of “Dr”. A. A. Engineer. It was at this very first instance that Dr. Asghar’s humility struck me. He replied back with utmost humbleness and simplicity, enquiring about his travel and lodging. For him, the substance of consultation and the theme of his presentation were over and above that “not so important” issue of how he was being addressed.

I had the good fortune of hearing from Dr. Asghar about the communal strands of Indian politics and reason behind maintaining the status quo of communal disintegration in the country. Judgements pronounced over the Ramjanam Bhumi / Babri Masjid case and Gujarat riots have been the cases which I've keenly followed, and hearing Dr. Asghar’s personal account simply moved me. While he explained the intricacies of communcal and ethnic violence in India, The country has witnessed bloodshed not only when the religious minorities are targeted by fascist  powers, but these powers have also used the trick of mobilizing Adivasis against Dalits and vice versa, and caste minorities against religious minorities, something that unfolded during the Kandhamal riots in Odisha. He expressed his disappointment over the right wing objection to the Anti Communal and Targeted Violence Bill at its introduction in the Parliament.

After this consultation, my virtual association with Dr. Engineer continued in the area of understanding truth behind certain myths and ill-practices occurring under the garb of religious sanctions/norms of Islam. Owing to my curiosity, I clarified several issues located in the contemporary and traditional view of Islam, from Dr. Asghar over emails. It was such that my queries sought the most logical responses rooted in historical and scientific facts and reasons. I remember my last acknowledgement to him was for a reasoned out and contextual response to “Why (legal) adoption of child was prohibited in Islam?”, whereby, having cited the story behind such a mention in Qur’an, he maintained that no where adoption was banned, but the jurists drew this conclusion from an event and concluded from Qur’anic statement that 'Your adopted son is not like biological son'.

His views always influenced me, empowered me, ameliorated and elevated my views about Islam, with which most people on this planet suffer and love to live with. Thanks to media, international politics, the Big Brother, the religious leaders/clerics, restrained freedom of inquiry, dialogue and dissent on the subject, general insensitivity among the people, even within elite Muslims, let alone the marginalized majority.

What makes me revere him even more is the thought of how he must have worked for this nearly impossible mission of communal harmony, being assaulted by his own people, own community, at every step! I always feel that it is much easier to conquer the outside world but overcoming internal challenges, those within us and in our own families and communities is the foremost and greatest challenge for anyone. He was the one who stood by his faith and belief of Humanity and Equality, and acted out in true faith. He followed an approach by which he could stand up firmly before his community and enlighten them on the progressive aspects of Islam, a religion (among others) shunned for extremism penetrated by its followers in power positions.

His way of agitation was peaceful, on the vehicle of “Hidden knowledge” of his faith. Seldom have I found the most influential of figures use such approach and wisdom, because of which, I see the bridge leading to the marginalised communities, shaky or broken.  Many have abandoned their faith in pursuit of excellence, and numerous taken to liberal criticism of it, but few take pain to research and study well the subject of their criticism.

Dr. Asghar has certainly left his imprints on my mind which will continue to influence my zest to learn, love, expand and harmonise. His loss is certainly a huge loss for me personally. May his  legacy of rich knowledge and compassion for communal harmony continue to be inherited and guide the like-minded people, to have a place where all can unite and exist amidst diversity.

May his soul rest in peace