Leisa is in in love, yes, she is! It delights me to see her bloom in her newly found love, all vibrant and energised. I met her very recently, and got a chance to have a heart to heart conversation. I thought it to apt to put our conversation here into a blog piece because her thoughts touched me and will resound in others too. For the ease of my readers and myself, I am adopting the first person narrative. Read, Think and be Renewed :).
No matter how
much I will and remind myself of living in the Here and Now, the fear and
anxieties related to the past experience makes me weak, sometimes. I have
always been told by the elders around and something I've come to live with, the
belief that only what is “God willed" happens,eventually, regardless of
what human beings think and want to happen.
This belief makes me keep
my expectations as low as possible, and urges me to live a day at a time by
gathering up all that comes my way, good or not so good, without investing much
in futuristic planning. But, I am a person with dreams, desires,
ambitions, thoughts, likes and dislikes, emotions, love (above all) and all
that a life entails. This belief has often torn me from inside, because it tells
me not to be controlled by any of these because it is not what I think will
happen but what the supreme power wants, what is already destined. All
religions preach that I believe.
This belief has made me
submit to uncertainties and disappointments without questioning the
failures but believing that it has happened for good which I will
understand not immediately. Ironically, so has this worked out well for me and
I'm happy with where I am, what I am,
and what I have, today. This contentedness is also
because I have found Love again in my life. But, I fear what
if that I have now is taken away from me? What if this love, which completes me
today in the form of a companion’s love, is pulled out some day for whatever
reason?
Then comes a flurry of
questions to my mind which I ask of Him- why is it that you send me love and
take it away? Why you put me through all this pain when I had learned to adapt
to the loneliness (even if I prayed for loving companion)? Why is it that you
fill me with renewed hopes and resurrect my desires, and then take away the
means of fulfilling them? Did I ask you for things to happen in any particular
way that you should let the best happen to me and then deprive me of it? Such
questions are many that I pose to Him (all due to a different bonding I share
with Him that I take liberty to question him and express my anguish and
disappointments, since the religion doesn't allow this, otherwise).
I have welcomed love with
warmth and arms wide open again, but this latent fear of me again being alone
takes away my peace. While this fear humbles me down, it also takes away the
confidence in me about people being capable to accomplish what they want to
with sheer determination (and God’s love).
To people who know well
about my faith in God’s omnipresent love for me, might think as to why I
exhibit such insipid views about the Him. Forget about others, this thought
pricked me while thinking all this but another thought tactfully countered the
former. A voice told me that my Beloved isn't that weak and barbaric as He has
been projected and preached to be, to be displeased and “punish” me from
expressing my thoughts freely about the dilemma I live with. After all, I’m
human.
I want to tell Him that I
am very content and happy with my work and family life, and only that I wish to
settle down with my companion some time soon. Moreover, it is He who sent him
to me during the Lenten season of 2014. I know He is capable of fixing things
to best suit us, and so, He should make do best for us with what we have (each
other) with us right now. It is difficult to recuperate from the loss and pain
associated with broken relationships and even more weakening to find love
re-enter into one's life to exit yet again. It pain when after years
couple discover they were not compatible and either of them leave. There are
various reasons for people to separate and sadly not enough to live together
and fix the issues (while some cases genuinely require people to separate and
very rightly so).
Having said all this, there
are also some verses in the Bible that give me courage to proceed with what I
want to (of course with the clear intention) knowing that God is with me.
Jesus taught me that what I ask in faith I should believe I have been
granted. And I’ve read that when people concede to something here on the earth,
it is conceded to up in the heaven also and God fulfills it.
Why is it that the scriptures interpreted in this manner
are attacked to be misinterpreted for selfish gains, while those interpretations
enabling and maintaining division of the people and society are received
justly? Anyways!
I have embarked on a new
journey to rediscover and explore the path of Love with my companion. I remind
myself that I won't let anything have authority over me to shatter me at its
failure. To my surprise, I am realising the futility of logic when juxtaposed
with matters of heart. It is the heart that refuses to be consoled by the
reasoning and logic. It wants what is loves, and the thought of it being taken
away from it does make it break. Given all the mature thinking, fears lodged
deep inside surface sometimes.
However, all said and done, I have just "Here and Now", this present moment in which I can do whatever I want to, without giving into the fears and anxieties. I want to share my love and life with my beloved. I wish for love to stay longer with me. I can only hope that it stays and grows profound with time. I acknowledge the deep seated fears but would not surrender to them. All in hope.
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