I broke my fast for her

(A unique experience in Lent 2012)

It was just few days after Ash Wednesday, which marks the first day of the Christian Lent that I visited my nani (maternal granny) with mom. I had long not visited her, but mom had not seen her for even longer. She had informed nani an evening before that we would be visiting her the following day, and that she need not bother to cook multiple items (as a sign of her obvious love for her children coming to home) because as it is she alone would eat with her as I was fasting, and one simple dish would suffice.

As we reached home some time around lunch, after a warm reception, she set the table with the mouth watering items she had cooked for us. Compelled by her habit of doing this, she had done it for her two daughters. As a usual practice, she had also prepared the relishing chicken. I had to first tell her that I was fasting for Easter and would not eat anything. To make her feel a little better, I asked her to pack the food for me, but not chicken, to have it in dinner. She could not comprehend what I said at first, and then mom had to translate that in Malayalam, as to why I wouldn’t eat. Not that she wasn’t aware of the Easter Lent, but for her it was us coming to see her after many months.

Now, I saw her anticipated joy (in feeding me) go down her face, even while mom was anyway going to give her company. She couldn’t have been so depressed over anything other than me not eating the meal she prepared (at this age) with so much love, and difficulty of course (for she herself goes to buy vegetables and chicken and everything) with her walking stick.

All throughout, I was upset seeing her disappointed and kept wondering and questioning myself, if by not having the food and the specially prepared chicken, making her feel bad about it, I was actually keeping in with the tradition ritualistic aspect of Lent! I can’t word the unrest within me then. At this moment, in a short duration, I reflected upon the figure of Jesus, and became all the more convinced that doing so would ruin the very essence and meaning of fasting. I learnt that making her (or anyone) sad and then fasting the whole day would not be a successful lent. I grasped that this is not what I have been expected to do, even though the Church wants us to follow the traditional rites, yet, not necessarily, Jesus would also want the same from me in this situation. I could not make an old lady upset and embarrassed for what she did out of usual expression of love for her children. At this very reasoning, with lot of grace felt inside me, I told nani to serve me lunch, and at 1 o’clock, I broke the fast after a short prayer.

I did this in exceptional circumstance, and later asked mom to explain to her the reason behind my doing this. I know it wasn’t wrong because thereafter, I was so much at peace with myself, and no guilt troubled me, which was a sign of what I did was perhaps in accordance to what Jesus would have wanted me to do, for He alone is my inspiration. And, it is important I mention here that the way I choose to fast is not what is actually commanded by Church, i.e. completely abstaining from food and not taking water, but it is my desire to imitate Jesus to the extent I can, through different ways and actions (of course, I can't become like Him, but can atleast strive to be like Him).

So, at the very start of the holy lent, I learnt what it means to fast, to follow Jesus, and not get so tightly gripped in the traditional rites, that I become numb to others’ feelings and needs. Lent became meaningful for me thereon, when I understood that Lent should reflect Christ’s personality, teachings and desires from my deeds, and I should not observe Lent simply because institutional compulsions want me to ‘to do so’ without understanding the quintessential meaning appended to it.

(I dedicate this article to the One who is eventually making me write it down, after much persuasion. I don’t want to keep this experience to myself alone, but want to share it with you).

Picture courtesy: loyolapress.com