Give 'Time' to Love

Leisa's case helps me understand some of the social factors that impinge upon human behaviours. I see some negative implications of suppressed and excessively controlled childhood and adolescence, where the person continues to carry even to the advanced stages of life the baggage of what he/she either received in abundance or was denied during the developmental growth years.

Leisa, my sentimental friend, to whom I had dedicated a blog post (Yearning for a Friend), is remorseful again for past few months. This time, it is not just her craving for a friend to get out of the trap of loneliness, but a feeling of emotional void ensuing from the retrospection of her love relationship. To be precise, less time and attention from her beloved. And for her, this is a grave concern, which may not at all be an issue by itself, for you and me. 

I have been with Leisa for years now, and I have literally lived her experiences through her narratives. I am a witness to their love relation when in psychological terms, it was at the ‘Enchantment stage’ or ‘Romantic stage’, and now, when it has advanced to the subsequent level of ‘Power struggle’ or ‘Growth struggle’[1].

The latter phase by itself, is a stressful phase, because in a committed relationship, one of the couple becomes unresponsive, impatient and authoritative, according to Brainerd. Leisa and her beloved share these traits at this instance. While Leisa has become demanding for his time and attention, which was once demanded of her, he has become almost silent, introvert, unresponsive, but continually dutiful and responsible towards her. This has made her grievously complaining.

Now that suddenly this romantic phase is advancing to growth phase, perceived as normal by rationalists and psychologists like Dr. Brainerd, and even by our near and dear ones who have crossed this stage or have adjusted to it, she is struggling each day to come to terms with just another stage in a committed relationship. No doubt, the enchantment stage lasted for a very long time for Leisa, and being a sentimental girl, for her it was like a dream she was living in a pampered world shaped by her beloved.  It is now getting difficult for him to satiate her expectations and reach the bar he himself set for this relationship. And we, her well wishers are at loggerheads to make her understand that forms of expression of love and proximity will change with time, for sure. Yet, she is stuck in her memories of past...or recent past, as she puts it, when both spent lot of time together, enjoyed each other’s company and attention. 

There is something that perennially disturbs her. It is the realisation that these changes have come in a backdrop where they have had most serious and intense arguments over issues erupting from their interfaith alliance, in the past few months.  So, no matter how normal we perceive this situation to be, I see some unresolved issues at the bottom of abrupt withdrawal of her lover, that 'could be' an unconscious move also. Nevertheless,  she is grappling with it, trying to make the sense of this "normal" way of life. 

Now, coming out of the psychology of love relationships, and forgetting logic for a while, I would like to borrow her shoes for some time and then feel her situation, but not necessarily justify her stupidity and thoughts.  As mentioned in my previous write up, her personality is truly a by-product of her circumstances. Having been a child with relatively disturbed childhood, literal social alienation combined with friendlessness, low self esteem backed with inferiority complex, most of her happiness during the adolescent phase was self generated through a romanticised world of love and aspirations. However, all this didn’t creep into one area thankfully, which was her determination to get best educated to overcome all social odds.

She was born in a family which still to much extent has conservative thoughts on ‘friendships’. Her family precepts never allowed her to make friends, in facts, even her brothers were instructed to keep their friendships out of the house. Her companion for childhood and adolescence was just her school books and home, and no one to confide in. Not that her parents’ concerns were ill-founded considering safety issues in Delhi, but they were just extremely worried and this suffocated her. While she progressed well on the academic front, she was continually lacking on the personal and social front.  She was so fed up that she once took courage of writing a secret note to her father, using the metaphor of a caged bird to describe her situation. It was only then that her parents realised her need for companion as a social being, but nothing much changed after that confrontation, and her expression was somewhat misinterpreted. So much protection and restrictive environment helped her or not, I can’t comment, but I do see negative repercussions in her now. Such a background made her what she is complained of being today, cranky and demanding, and her family isn't aware of this side of their daughter. For them, she is a most responsible and 'good' daughter.

It is in this context, that I try to understand her behaviour, feelings of possessives for her love, and fear of losing him or becoming secondary for him. She has become demanding of him, craves for the same attention and love that was being showered on her unconditionally and undemandingly before.  Growing responsibilities with escalating job profile and some inarticulated undercurrents have made him super busy, and amid this, she cannot adjust to the notion of him giving her less quality time. Somewhere, I do feel numbness and coldness creeping in their relationship. This stage normally comes after marriage, but she is undergoing this before that.

I feel empathetic towards her, but at the same time, also acknowledge the patience of the man she loves, though at some moments she has made him lose his cool ;), and she feels guilty for making a fun loving man so damn serious. I also am aware of the fact that she will take time you adjust to this growth phase, and love and patience alone would enable her to succeed. I’ve often heard that no amount of love is ever enough, and it will never be enough for her, but she needs to grasp the reality.

Now, Leisa has given herself few options. She feels she should seek refuge in her work, and keep herself busy with other stuff she likes doing, to keep her mind off the memories of their togetherness all the time. I too feel that she should be in charge of her overflowing emotions. She should perhaps start viewing this relationship though a matured perspective, and let it unfold itself with time. And as the saying goes, there’s light at the end of every tunnel, Leisa should live in hope, and I’m sure, with her firm faith in God,   things will fall in place, sooner or later.

My advice to her and wish could communicate this to her beloved also, is that both should try to forgive and forget the past happenings and start afresh. After all, in a relationship like theirs, it is important that both mutually wish and work to make the beautiful relationship last, if they love each other. They should start a new life together, and understand each other. For Leisa alone, I’ve advised her to not let the feeling of loneliness and inertia dominate her existence. It’s yet another temptation, I believe, which she should consciously avoid. She should expand her circle and reach out to people, rather than burden one person with the sole responsibility of keeping her happy. She should also lower her bar of expectations from anyone, in general. I am sure she is working on this advice, and someday soon, we will get to see a stronger and courageous Leisa, in a healthier relationship.

Would you like to advice her on this?

Picture courtesy-tripadvisor.in

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[1] As described by Dr. Gary Brainerd (PhD PhD, Licensed Psychologist and Marriage and Family Therapist in California)

The undercurrent- are caricatures the only reason...??

How many more skeletons are yet to pop out of the NCERT closet are yet to be seen! In May this year, it was the agitation and demand for removal of a cartoon by (eminent) cartoonist, Shankar, for his objectionable depiction of Dr. B R Ambedkar in NCERT textbooks for 11th standard. Subsequently, another such discovery in June, led to a furore over the allegedly irksome caricature by yet another (renowned) cartoonist, RK Laxman. This is the 1963 agitation in the state of Tamil Nadu over imposition of Hindi as official language, due to reasonable apprehensions. The regional party has thus, demanded the removal of the cartoon from the text books.

While the subject of contention is attracting criticism for reasons known, I somehow feel,   the ill representation of iconic figures such as Dr. Ambdekar, and the issue of linguistic impositions are over mere caricatures. It would not be wrong to criticise the derogatory depiction of Dr. Ambedkar which becomes even more serious in a society which is caste driven.

Also, on the other hand, I attempt to understand the second issue of alleged ill-depiction of Anti-Hindi movement as beyond caricature. I understand it (not ruling out the political strands of the issue) as an effort to preserve the essence and language of the state, under the looming threat from the centre for making Hindi the ‘official language’ in the state.  While the sense of regionalism over nationalism stands for removal of such ill-depiction of the Anti-Hindi history, there are those educated lot also who regret having been deprived the opportunity to learn the national language, Hindi, due to the regional contempt of Hindi in the state.

I personally feel it is extremely important in today’s age to be multilingual, and I regret not having learnt Malayalam and Tamil from my mother! By virtue of my education I mastered English and picked Hindi as my first language, but these seldom help when I travel to southern states where none works sufficiently. At that moment, I feel, it would have been better I had known that language. I would still manage with little English words in the south, but not at all with Hindi. It is not possible to learn all languages, yes, but had there been an option of learning regional language/s in school, situation would have been different.

I try to see the Anti –Hindi movement in positive light, for this is how the supremacy of nation’s dominant Hindi language is imposed over all the different regions, depriving people of the knowledge of their rich cultural heritage. I can't remember if I ever studied anything in depth on multicultural fabric of India in political science or history. Political science never for me defined the social groups and the problems of SC/ST communities beyond defining them as historically backward and untouchable sections. Students were not, and I suppose not much has changed now also, stimulated to enquire and challenge the literal text. Anything in the textbooks is taken at the face value and is correct for students.

Education should enable one to be critical of the surroundings, instil a spirit of questioning in order to have real learning, but what I have seen and passed through is the contentedness of teachers over students reproducing their lectures verbatim in examinations. 

I don't know if cartoons by themselves are a reason enough to be protested and agitated, but I certainly do understand when I read between the lines, the more urgent and important connotations of these issues. Maybe, all states and the centre should fight out for common national interests, by expressing just and genuine regard for real revolutionaries like Dr. Ambedkar and the true diverse cultures of the country. This can happen only when nationalism takes over regionalism, but at the same time, centre should not aim at infiltrating and bossing over the regions. Just once a year having vibrant parade of the different cultures of the states of India on Republic Day isn’t enough. It has to be beyond such showcasing.

The need is to have sensible and sensitive depictions and information of the country and its people, and all that falls in it.  The central and state education boards should think of innovative means, like the provision of compulsory learning of one regional language (of many) in schools. Till now, I don't see this amalgam of cultures happening even in the dry curricula. But unless this unification and integration happens within the country’s education system, many more protests will upend in time to come, leaving to fiery regionalism and further fragmentation of states and the people, and eventually the country. 

The changing face of Libertarian Media

We all learnt in school that media is the fourth pillar of democracy, after the Parliament, Administrative department, and the Judiciary body. Over the years, media in its print and electronic forms has reached the hook and corner of the globe, thereby, practicing authority and control over our minds and, programming them with their tools and implements. Now, there are a plethora of private giant ‘elite’ media agencies, which love to cover tantalising occurrences over humanitarian issues.

The media is all powerful and it is by this power that it can build or dismantle, unite and divide, almost anything and anyone. Though independent of the government interference in a free market model, media still remains an agency liable to the masses, for each piece of news it transmits to us. And why shouldn’t it be, when we actually depend on it for our daily dose of world update, believing that we will get absolute real information sitting in our living rooms and offices, even while on the move!

I heard it from a senior journalist once that hard but true, ‘Media is class biased, caste biased and gender biased’. There is upper caste domination in media, which is anti Dalit. Similarly, when there are issues of communal clashes, the media reacts differently. Issues of poor and minorities are neglected. I have gradually understood this statement.

In today’s western and privatised economy, it has become more than abstruse to approach the big (national) media for the issues of the marginalised and poor. But some frivolous things will simply (I wonder how) find their way into the leading dailies and news channels. After all, Master Blaster’s 39^th birthday was more crucial to be covered across all news channels, where his fans hailed and wished their ‘God’ on various social networking sites, than say, to Irom Sharmila fasting indefinitely for past 12 years for abolition of AFSPA; agitations by the (Dalit & Adivasi) masses on account of being deceived and ripped of their rights by the government; people’s resistance to Koodankulam Nuclear Power Plant (KNPP); illegally regulated trade of manual scavenging and several more of such human right struggles . For all such grounded campaigns and struggles it is a major challenge to get media focus. Consequently, there is no public sensitisation and awareness creation, and balanced public views on important social issues plaguing our society.

Social issues don’t assure any readership, so the rush to the Tatas, Birlas, Ambanis, IPLs, Celebrity birthdays, their family functions and pets taking ill, high profile political scams, revelation of life on earth coming to an end by a certain year and so on. Yes, they not just covered but made the Anti-corruption movement of Anna and team a world campaign, through their media advocacy. The trend being that news channels will report such campaigns on the condition of having a celeb endorse and support them. So, it is not the seriousness or willingness to cover the issue per se, but the presence of celeb that makes it ‘News’.

Important news will find its way to news scrolls at the bottom of our TV screens, hardly or least noticed by anyone. Sometimes, while watching some news debates n leading national channels, I kind of calculate the time speakers are allotted to make their point. And to me it seems that the time hosts take to catch up with their breath (after monologues) is actually the time available to the guests to speak. Then why such show of inviting the issues for discussions if truth is to be substituted and undermined? In the electronic media, few (really few) who are willing to cover such news, are deterred from doing so by their superiors, thereby demystifying the theory of media ethics studied and actual application in the free market.

Media ‘ethics’ are now subverted. Media is no more impartial and sensitive. They are powerful and no one questions them… no one fixes any responsibility on them. The media that were once driven to benefit the public at large now cannot be believed prima facie for the authenticity of their information. Corporate and political sharks are their share holders. Thus, because of their financial dependency on them, media have become guardian of their interests. In such Libertarian model, media ethics have changed from social responsibility to corporate and political responsibility, becoming a business, losing the trust of the people in them.  Honestly speaking, I am one who would think more than ones before considering any version of news authentic.

All said and done, engaging with media is still the need of any humanitarian issue and the media cannot be absolved of their responsibility. Rooted social movements due to various handicaps (lack of trained human and restrictive financial resources and negligence on the important role of media etc.) have also failed to engage with this wing in governance. Like advocacy with government authorities on any issue, consistent and strategic lobby and advocacy with media is equally important, or rather more important for wider reach of the cause. t is to be remembered (as first hand experience)that just one time engagement with the media agencies never will help the cause get anywhere, and the sensitive ones need to be located and dialogued persistently to be have effective media advocacy. Therefore, some effective ways of engaging with the media could be as listed below for your help[1]. 

1. Put the news angle in the front of press release with important data at the top; data should be crisp when meeting with that specific journalist;
2. The data base should be well researched, precise and concise in 2-3 pages, which deals with the subject/issue;
3. Special reporters concerned with the issue should be selected;
4. There are specific people who look after social development sector. So, establish contact with some journalists to have one to one relation.
5. Prior to any public programme (like sit-in, public hearing etc.) pursue the cause; organise a press conference with 10-15 journalists who are concerned about the issue and brief them about the move;
6. The press conference should be held a day or two before the event and not long before it
7. Journalists like to get ‘exclusive’ information, so press conferences are not always the best way to get your message published. Combine a general press conference with some off the record information for particular newspaper/journalist. This would give them the sense of ownership over that news. 
8. Never send the press release randomly to the media houses. First call the person/media house; hand deliver it along with the soft copy through mail; and follow it up to check whether it has reached the journalist.
9. While presenting news to the media houses, some positive aspects should also be highlighted.
10. Specific information should be given for electronic media;
11. Try arranging for a field visit for the journalist to have a long lasting bond with him and to make him taste the ground reality.
12. One can have direct access to the editor concerned only after the lobby has been established;
13. Political lobby is very important with media lobby for the issues would then have more space in the media coverage if that news is backed by political interest.
14. The space of small news published in regional newspapers is also significant.
15. There is one BC for each city and metro reporting has its own chief. Each edition generally has a BC. The Bureau Chief (BC) takes decisions and s/he is an important person to be located first. Local coverage and bureau reporting are distinct from one another. The BC assigns a specific journalist for the news. It is suggested that the information regarding an event like sit-in be communicated to the BC a day before, so that he could designate a reporter exclusively for the event coverage. 

[1] Advocacy & Lobby Workshop, organized by NCDHR and IPAC, Feb 2010 (unpublished)

Picture Courtesy: economicnoise.com

I broke my fast for her

(A unique experience in Lent 2012)

It was just few days after Ash Wednesday, which marks the first day of the Christian Lent that I visited my nani (maternal granny) with mom. I had long not visited her, but mom had not seen her for even longer. She had informed nani an evening before that we would be visiting her the following day, and that she need not bother to cook multiple items (as a sign of her obvious love for her children coming to home) because as it is she alone would eat with her as I was fasting, and one simple dish would suffice.

As we reached home some time around lunch, after a warm reception, she set the table with the mouth watering items she had cooked for us. Compelled by her habit of doing this, she had done it for her two daughters. As a usual practice, she had also prepared the relishing chicken. I had to first tell her that I was fasting for Easter and would not eat anything. To make her feel a little better, I asked her to pack the food for me, but not chicken, to have it in dinner. She could not comprehend what I said at first, and then mom had to translate that in Malayalam, as to why I wouldn’t eat. Not that she wasn’t aware of the Easter Lent, but for her it was us coming to see her after many months.

Now, I saw her anticipated joy (in feeding me) go down her face, even while mom was anyway going to give her company. She couldn’t have been so depressed over anything other than me not eating the meal she prepared (at this age) with so much love, and difficulty of course (for she herself goes to buy vegetables and chicken and everything) with her walking stick.

All throughout, I was upset seeing her disappointed and kept wondering and questioning myself, if by not having the food and the specially prepared chicken, making her feel bad about it, I was actually keeping in with the tradition ritualistic aspect of Lent! I can’t word the unrest within me then. At this moment, in a short duration, I reflected upon the figure of Jesus, and became all the more convinced that doing so would ruin the very essence and meaning of fasting. I learnt that making her (or anyone) sad and then fasting the whole day would not be a successful lent. I grasped that this is not what I have been expected to do, even though the Church wants us to follow the traditional rites, yet, not necessarily, Jesus would also want the same from me in this situation. I could not make an old lady upset and embarrassed for what she did out of usual expression of love for her children. At this very reasoning, with lot of grace felt inside me, I told nani to serve me lunch, and at 1 o’clock, I broke the fast after a short prayer.

I did this in exceptional circumstance, and later asked mom to explain to her the reason behind my doing this. I know it wasn’t wrong because thereafter, I was so much at peace with myself, and no guilt troubled me, which was a sign of what I did was perhaps in accordance to what Jesus would have wanted me to do, for He alone is my inspiration. And, it is important I mention here that the way I choose to fast is not what is actually commanded by Church, i.e. completely abstaining from food and not taking water, but it is my desire to imitate Jesus to the extent I can, through different ways and actions (of course, I can't become like Him, but can atleast strive to be like Him).

So, at the very start of the holy lent, I learnt what it means to fast, to follow Jesus, and not get so tightly gripped in the traditional rites, that I become numb to others’ feelings and needs. Lent became meaningful for me thereon, when I understood that Lent should reflect Christ’s personality, teachings and desires from my deeds, and I should not observe Lent simply because institutional compulsions want me to ‘to do so’ without understanding the quintessential meaning appended to it.

(I dedicate this article to the One who is eventually making me write it down, after much persuasion. I don’t want to keep this experience to myself alone, but want to share it with you).

Picture courtesy: loyolapress.com

To seek Your face

Poetry by: Lee Macqueen


My relationship with you is undefined,

Indescribable, intimate and infinite,

You know of my love I bear for you,

That which is limitless and beyond efforts to express;

People ask for signs and proofs from me,

Proofs and signs of my unwavering faith in you;

Only if faith could ever be explained, I would still have done so,

Yet I know I need not prove anything between us to anyone, anymore.

You are aware of my madness, my restlessness and craving for You,

the ever growing urge to be known through You;

You alone know of my thirst for You for my being lies in You;

to touch, feel and caress you and be embraced by you.

My desire is just this in You,

To seek your face every first light, and breathe my last in You;

To reside with You in the room prepared for me by You;

And live every age with You.

Picture courtesy: sldunn.wordpress.com 

Yearning for a friend

Leisa, a girl of my age, timid, introvert, over disciplined, image conscious, driven by a sturdy inferiority complex and oblivious of the world around, is today, a fairly well informed adult, mentally strong and confident. She is doing well in her career and is very ambitious and focused. She has a past which luckily most of us have, if not all, that of her school, the days, which are cherished to the life time. Leisa has settled in her life, with a satisfying career, and has nearly received all that she could have dreamt, if she could. She thinks she is the odd one in her virtual ‘friend circle’. I say ‘virtual’ because she actually has no ‘gang of friends’. In fact, not even a single one whom she can count on as a close friend from ‘school days’, the ‘langotia yaar’ (childhood best pals).

Leisa became ‘a part’ of some group of 4-5 friends only when was in the high school, because of the same stream batch of students in 11^th and 12^th grade. She was crazy enough to yearn for one close friend for whom she would be a priority. I feel her obsession for such a friend, to whom she would matter most, and the wish to possess this one friend, was not well placed in her case. Because of this insecurity which burgeoned out of various reasons and her modest background, she often laments for being alone, and friendless. Given the dullness of her lifestyle and highly constrained childhood led to a giant inferiority complex in her. She recalls how she was a perpetual misfit among others. She states that there was nothing in her, which could make her desirable of others’ friendship. Resultantly, she avoided visiting her friends’ house for the apprehension that she too would have to call them home, which was highly unlike their little mansions. Not that she did not have friends, but in none she found a truly close friend, who could make her feel welcome and always needed. Yet, she did try to be in touch with one or two, who in turn never perhaps considered her a valued friend.

So as I mentioned, her background, perhaps, never allowed her to transcend the invisible fences propped up by the ‘wealth and riches’. All that she had with her were the dream and aspirations of her parents from her, and the realisation that the situation could change only with her being economically sound. This realisation was so deeply entrenched in her psyche that she could never live a life of her age. The virtual load of responsibilities towards the family was always there. Never did she bunk school, miss her classes, make male friends, trouble her teachers, attend the conti-parties that were organised by girls themselves, practice any ill for the sake of trying it out, brake rules, and do all those crazy things that normally girls at that age would atleast want to try out for the sake of adventure and fun.  The self assumed responsibilities outweighed any other desire but to target only education and a job, soon after that.

Leisa was fortunate that despite pecuniary hurdles almost throughout their lives, her parents decided to give her the best of education, which included even university education. Leisa today is an epitome of the nearly fulfilled dreams of her parents and indeed feels satisfied of being a good daughter and a fine sensitive human being.

It’s not that Leisa regrets what she is today, but somewhere, while moving back and forth in her recollections of those days, she grieves the fact that she is alone without any friend. As I mentioned at the outset, she was the odd one because in every respect she finds a stark contrast between others and herself. Leisa remembers how she used to be excluded from participating in such programmes organised by students themselves on teachers’ day and other such occasions. The selection used to be done by classmates among themselves, where they would select the ‘more outgoing and confident’ ones, who by default turned out to be the well-off ones.

Sometimes, when she views her so called friends on social networking sites, she sees herself grossly missing from the list of tagged friends in old school pictures. This makes her think how she is just no one for anyone. Her presence or absence never matters to anyone. She is alone, and craves for a friend.

She is doing fairly well in her life, and is blessed with people around her to make her realise the worth of being a ‘self-made’ girl, and better that she was not born with a silver spoon. Nonetheless, the consolation doesn’t help her much in reducing the agony of the fact that she is ‘peer-less’.

Many may think that Leisa is perhaps irrational and over demanding, but I empathise with her. We would normally befriend and want to acquaint ourselves with people of rich social background, but seldom do we make friends with seemingly ‘simple’ and people of ‘modest backgrounds’. While the quiet ones have to make efforts to make themselves noticed by others, those that are articulate and socially well positioned, end up being approached by the majority. This is a reality, and people like Leisa need to still continue being unconditional in their human dealings and move ahead in life with all lessons that life teaches.

I am happy to hear from her that she is a much stronger and independent individual, with a mind of her own and does not shy away from venting out her grief in private over the scrambled memories of what she desired and could not get. At this point, I shared with her about my friend, whom she also has in her life, that one person, who is more precious and valuable than anything and everything in the world, who never forsakes, and loves unconditionally. For Him, we are special, and a priority. Human relations are bound to come to an end, but His relationship with us never dies. In fact, He alone has helped her move up in life and given her all that she has asked and even silently desired. I think, she has now realised the worth of this friend, and promised me of never crying over what she doesn’t have, but to be thankful of what she has in abundance, which no human could ever give her, never!

Picture Courtesy: flywithdreams23.blogspot.com   

Who is my neighbour?

As a Christian kid, the teachings of Bible, more so Jesus, formed the premise of my childhood. The Ten Commandments are most revered basic precepts besides the prayer of the Lord known to Christians. I have always been a proud girl for being born in a religion which gives me the best teachings to become good human being first, so that my Christian values and virtues speak for themselves when I venture out in a human society, which is otherwise full of all sorts of virtuous and wicked things.

Now, I see two types of 'followers' of religion. One, those who understand the teachings,
internalise them, and follow the ‘Do no Harm’ approach to mankind, both for the
love and fear of God. Such people’s acts reflect the goodness of their values 
and teachings, and for them, every human being is made in the image of God and
 thus commands respect. Two, people who internalise and interpret the religious
 teaching in such a way (pleasing in their own sight) that they become 
destructive and fundamentalists, carrying out homicidal ‘crusades’. Religious 
scriptures will be ruthlessly invoked to justify horrendous acts and support such notions as disliking
 the other and even hating people of other religions, because our religion is the best!

Jesus reinforced that 'You shall love your neighbour as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these" (Mark 12:28-31). Who is my neighbour? I ask this to myself as I try to deepen my knowledge of the teachings of Christianity. This article does not intend to convince people of any contradictory views, but these are just few thoughts that have stimulating my quest o know what exactly God wants.

Normally, a ‘brother’ and a ‘neighbour’ is perceived and preached to be anyone belonging to the same faith, and not just our immediate brothers and sisters of blood relations. Now, whenever, I read such passages, I keep wondering whether people of other religions should be covered under the definition attached to it by religious preachers. I am sure that God would not have differentiated between human beings, whom He created in His own image. How then can I reconcile myself to the fact that only same faith people can be brothers and sisters, and that ‘others’ should be despised and discriminated for they follow different faith.

By this teaching of Jesus, I would certainly love to believe that He means to include all mankind - even our enemies! Jesus tells His famous parable of the Good Samaritan to make it clear that "love your neighbour" means to love all persons, everywhere - not just our friends, allies, countrymen. Then why do we consider different faith people as not worthy of our love, compassion, unity and congregation? Why do religions never encourage talks about the intermixing of the good values and teachings of all religions, while one still would maintain one’s own faith throughout the life? Why in interfaith relationship there is always a ‘mandate’ of conversion? Is this really what God has sent out His people to do to others? Is not Faith that comes from within (or doesn’t even come from the core) forming the basis of one’s religious or non-religious identity? Have we forgotten that the greatest law and commandment of the God is ‘Love’?

In order to maintain strict divisions and differences, the religious teachers tend to erode the basic values of love, friendship, forgiveness, tolerance, brotherhood, harmony and mutual peaceful existence on this earth, which certainly exists beyond common faith people. Rather, a fear is planted in the hearts of people that if they go against the literal words of religious texts, they would be doomed and abandoned by God, as if God also functions and behaves like us on earth.

The Bible tells (Matthew 5:43-48) that Jesus instructs his disciples to love their enemies, and pray for those who persecute them, which will qualify them to be the children of heavenly Father, for He makes His sun rise on the bad and the good, and causes rain to fall on the just and the unjust. He firmly warns in His humble preaching that if we love those who love us, what rewards can we claim from the heavenly Father? And if we greet our brothers and sisters only, what is unusual about that, for even the non believers do that. He calls us to be perfect in our heavenly Father, who undoubtedly, as established by this passage alone and reference above, loves everyone, and is unbiased.

These teachings in Gospel’s words, do not mention anywhere that people from different religions are to be hated and only Christians to be loved. Actually, even the word Christians emanate from Christ, and perhaps never Jesus would have meant to have an organised religious institution which is today known as Church, after His name. Are we not the Church in ourselves? Aren’t our mortal bodies the Temple of God which is why Jesus proclaimed the need to be pure and chaste?

There
 are several cases that I see where people from other religions have taken to
Christianity as a faith and are firm believers in Christ, but not necessarily 
converted as mandated by man-made religious requirement. Many ‘non-Christians’ attend
 Church worships but are deprived of the Eucharist, for they are not baptised
 and have not subscribed to other sacraments. I never have come across a single
 instance in the Bible where Jesus has instructed that only baptised or formally
 ordained Christians can have that bread and the wine, symbolic of Christ flesh
and blood, given away for all mankind, and not just for His followers. But, I
 know, just as one religion is not open about inviting other faiths, other 
faiths are also not open to such offerings. But to me, what matters is that all
live harmoniously in unison with their respective faiths, and not fight over 
conversions and other man made religious requirements for different faith 
people to co-exist.

This 
is what the organised institutions of religions have done! Over centuries, religions have been codified to such extent that fundamentals of religions are forgotten. While the religious leaders would preach that it is desirable in God that males may easily convert girls into their religion prior to marriage, their own females marrying out of their own religion boils down to honour killings, families and communities disowning their children and religious institutions ex-communicating them. The more 
the religions are codified, the more rigidity has crept in the practical understanding and functional application of it, and 
insensitivity is instilled in the followers. Anything and everything is
 done in the name of God! There is hatred and enmity. It is as if each human being
is born into the world with a mission to convert people in the name of wining
back the lost souls, irrespective of the willing or unwilling nature of conversion.
 One is perceived by other as unholy and lesser
being. The religious teachers have just played around with the essence and
 great meanings behind the teachings of religions. Nearly everything is determined by religious factors, and apprehensions of 'what they will say'.

God alone can judge who is good or bad.  People have made a mockery out of religion to propagate and perpetuate
their own division theories, in some way or the other, even if it is ensured at
 the gun point. This is a Godless world in a way, all becoming judges of the
good and bad. So, disguised by religion, different versions of the Holy 
teachings are disseminated. Both, ‘perceived’ good and bad are subject to the day
 of final judgement, as even that which is done as good in our own knowledge and intent will stand to be examined and may not turn out to be good in God’s sight.

Hence, 
I feel, religious leaders should relinquish the monoply they have been holding over religions and be open to giving and receiving good teachings and
 thoughts, not meaning that the diversity of religions should be diluted, but Faith
 should prevail, and be placed over religious traditions and rituals. The aim of every 
religion should be on forming good human beings, who know about the eternal and 
unconditional love of God for His children and what He wants us to do for our
 brothers and neighbours, who could be anyone. Religious preachers and followers should live up to the spirit of Religions that it should unite and not divide.


I would like to end with a beautiful parable from the Gospel here, where Jesus tries to explain who a neighbour is, to an expert on Moses' laws who came to test Jesus' orthodoxy. This sums up my quest for understanding holistically what God wants from us, which perhaps is not possible in this world order.

"A Jew going on a trip from Jerusalem to Jericho was attacked by bandits. They stripped him of his clothes and money, and beat him up and left him lying half dead beside the road. "By chance a Jewish priest came along; and when he saw the man lying there, he crossed to the other side of the road and passed him by. A Jewish Temple-assistant walked over and looked at him lying there, but then went on. "But a despised Samaritan came along, and when he saw him, he felt deep pity. Kneeling beside him the Samaritan soothed his wounds with medicine and bandaged them. Then he put the man on his donkey and walked along beside him till they came to an inn, where he nursed him through the night. The next day he handed the innkeeper two twenty-dollar bills and told him to take care of the man. 'If his bill runs higher than that,' he said, 'I'll pay the difference the next time I am here.' "Now which of these three would you say was a neighbour to the bandits' victim?" The man replied, "The one who showed him some pity." Then Jesus said, "Yes, now go and do the same." (TLB, Luke 10:25-37).

Therefore, Bad exist everywhere and in everyone, it is human nature, and should not be affiliated to mean interpretations of Holy Books. For God’s sake, let us live up to what our religion actually stands for and respect human being for what they are, without religious consideration.

An encounter with Caste in the City

Caste system, a mechanism which ‘supposedly’ came into existence for say, maintaining the division of labour, did everything to oppress and discriminate one section in the caste hierarchy, who were ‘made’ to serve the so called higher castes. But even after working on Dalit rights, and hearing about some colleagues not being able to rent houses on disclosing their caste (enquired directly and indirectly by landlords) a thought would cross my mind as to how caste lives in cities. This question would occur because in cities the caste structures may not be very apparent as in rural India, and I had also not really come across such direct instances in thought or action in my experience of Delhi.

However, an incident few days back shook me. Some days back, I was in a beauty parlour, only to discover the ugly thoughts of this lady. I was taken aback with her thoughts because she was the one who once shared with me her pro-interfaith marriage stance, of placing love before blind religious dictates.

It so happened that while I was undergoing some serious painful business at that time, the sister of my beautician started talking to me very fervently about women's emancipation and freedom, stating that she was a feminist herself in views and thoughts. In just little time, both of us were discussing a range of issues that function and exist to suppress women's sexuality and identity other than the accepted lifetime roles of a good daughter, sister, wife and mother. Then our talks took a leap to touch upon the daily soaps where the subdued and ever abiding female characters played the protagonist, who became the ideal ‘betis’ and ‘bahoos’ for the middle class masses.

Having talked all this, it was now time for me to leave, and while I was just about to step out of the parlour, she asked me where I worked.  On hearing the name of my organisation, she was speechless and visibly discomforted. She did not hesitate to suggest me to look out for some other organisation. This was just enough for me to read her mind. Anyhow, I wanted to expose her ill thoughts and therefore, gave unclear responses to her suggestion, for her to speak up her mind upfront. And yes! There she was, as I had thought, trying to manage her words carefully by telling me to try for organisations which works on 'up'er ...'.  It was almost as if she was worried that working for Dalits was bringing me in close touch with the outcaste and ‘former’ untouchables which she could not stomach.

She was, however, fortunate that I had to exit when she brought this up. Still, I had to remind her that just as some while back she chanted the beads of gender equality, women emancipation and attacking stereotypical characterisation of women, and this caste was also nothing more than a social construct, alive for over 2000 years, sanctioned by the Hindu religion and promulgated fiercely by the priestly sections. Not to generalise, but I now understand that while caste is visible in rural side, it is existent in the urban minds. It is just that one is not born with the imprints of one’ caste on the forehead, otherwise, caste segregation and discrimination would have been no different from that of the countryside.

Caste lives in the minds of the city dwellers who keep passing it on to their ancestors. This cycle continues. Structural reforms may come but it is extremely difficult to cleanse the casteist mindsets. Once this mindset is conquered (which I regret to state is unlikely) legal or structural reforms would not matter. Alas, it is a dream farfetched. What can be more disastrous, impure and sinful than discriminating and excluding the human being on the basis of caste- an element I detest the most. Even though was a small incident, it managed this expression out of me. What about those who live with it and don't have enough and secure spaces to voice it out?

Picture courtesy: PDFCAST.org

The tide will change

Poetry by: Lee Macqueen 

O my heart, take some rest,
Take courage to be in zest, my soul;
How much you will bother yourself?
Do you think you can wear off yourself?


O my heart, just let it be,
Let it be until the right time strikes.
Right time for you to be healed and your desires fulfilled;
Hold, till the destiny befriends you for ever.


O my soul, don't be dismayed,
Don't be, for life is surely above all that breaks you down
Let no your dreams be shattered,
No! you can't let that happens over trivial chatters.


You believe that for everything there is a season, and a time
for every matter under heaven;
The tide will change for the best,
Take refuge in this and go to rest.


Picture courtesy: Youwall.com

The Racist within...

Picture courtesy: Indian View String

With a wheatish complexion, I can’t much think of any particular instance, when I would have actually wished to be fair skinned. I know and have seen girls of my age (that has passed and that in which I am) touchy about their skin and looks. They would rather die than see a tiny pimple on their faces.  Nothing wrong with looks, but to worry for your colour and do every possible bit to make it go white, is a bit too much. I have been quite a contented on this front; never obsessed with my looks or desperate to be 'white' to be appealing and attractive to others. Actually, I never really knew what significance, so to say, colour held, and holds. I would acknowledge unabashedly that I was too slow for my age to catch up with stuff like this. Now, when I think back, I recall some shady memories of my school days.

I remember my 'so called' friends, who would match their skin colours with each other and the fairer of all would take pride in it, as if the birth in human form was just about that. Different skin shades were analysed and then the darker once mocked and made fun of. Being fair was like all a girl could dream of in life, to be able to look appealing and attractive in peer circles. I never internalised these frivolous thoughts and talks, good heavens!

I, now draw linkages between what happened then and what is popularised, sometimes in a subtle way, through the media. I see Shah Rukh Khan mockingly advising the boy to use 'mardon wali fairness cream', to look fair and handsome. During my high school days, advertisments of 'beauty soap- 'fair & glow' used to be advertised frequently in between daily soaps and programmes. Fair and Lovely was already there even before I was born! The advertisements of  'fair & glow' sounded so convincing like an assured tested formula to make the skin go fair that for once,  I was lured into using it. Today, when I think of this, I laugh to myself. Now there are a plethora of such fairness products rocking the markets. Bollywood personalities too have been endorsing these fairness products for the time immemorial. Such advertisements also become carriers of the superfluous message that ‘white is desired’ besides creating a market demand for the products.

When I surf through television channels and serials, seldom do I see dusky and dark female protagonists, in any of the leading soaps (as per the most talked and watched serials at home by most women). Dark is projected and perhaps, perceived as poor, substandard, low class and unattractive in the general sense. One may disagree with this, but deep within, most girls, sometimes even their mothers, are desirous of fair skin for their daughters, which is considered beautiful and attractive, half war to secure ‘good’ prospects won with this alone. I have seen children as small as those of pre-primary and primary schools showing and articulating reservation in befriending dark skinned counterparts, and parents not really vehemently objecting to it. Even in the matrimonial, one would often come across the wish for a fair bride.


If one gets conscious of the entrenched racist mindset, I am sure, like me, others will also see racial discrimination in one’s own surroundings. External wars on racism and ‘apartheid’ may have been won in the political front, but it is extremely difficult to gain victory over our own internally distorted mindsets. 

We get perturbed with the news of racial attacks on Indians abroad. Which racism then do we get repulsive about, and what are the different parameters of the racism of which America and Britain are accused of and that which we practice in the society, in our homes, with our near ones, if not dear ones? A racist resides deep within every average and highly placed individual. It is not really the education which helps you see through all this and challenge, but the over emphasised and reinforced stereotypes, which make us accept things unquestioningly, as a normal way of life. This is how minds are conditioned and stereotypes are abetted.

Waiting to be One

Love poetry, by- Lee Macqueen

I wait for us to be together always,

I wait for us to live as one,

Live as one soul in two bodies;

as one living with one breath in one abode.

I wait to wake at dawn with you

See my sunrise and dusk with you,

Arms in arms, head lay in ur bosom,

to live and grow in you, forever.

I wait to embrace you with my kisses, amass,

To be arm in arm in the warmth of your love;

Can't say how long the wait has been,

I know you endure the same as me.

I wait to see that day final, when we will be united and gay,

When I will be by your side and you by mine;

taking vows of living together throughout our Life

Wiping out the memory of days spent apart.


Picture courtesy: Damir